Monday, August 1, 2016

The Day I Peed Myself (and Other Things That Went Wrong)

I'm convinced my life is a series of unrelated comical and ridiculous events. Read on for additional proof for my theory. And if you are grossed out by average bodily functions and mishaps or #tmi, then don't keep reading. You've been warned! 

A few weeks ago I went to the lady doctor for an annual check up. (I told you, TMI.) The day before when they called to confirm they said it was an annual physical. I corrected the girl on the phone and told her it was a lady exam (but used the correct terminology, of course). She said no problem, she'd make the edit in my file for the next day.

My appointment was in the afternoon around 2. Knowing that I would have to pee in a cup, I withheld peeing ALL DAY. I'm anxious about know...producing enough...and sometimes I get stage fright with stuff like that so I decided to make sure I would be okay and abstained from peeing all morning.

Big mistake.

So, you know the typical doc appointment they let you put your stuff down then take you to the pee bathroom and give you the cup and instructions and junk? Well that happened. Only, once I got in to the bathroom the full force of my horrible decision to not pee all day became an immediate and urgent issue. Commence me struggling to go through the "pre-pee" routine and position everything appropriately before my bladder exploded. It's important to note that my overwhelming urge to relieve my bladder pressure clearly affected my thinking.

I assumed the position and began to pee and realized after about 2 seconds that I WAS HOLDING THE PEE CUP UPSIDE DOWN. So the pee was bouncing off the cup and flooding the bathroom.* All I could do was scramble to position the cup correctly to get an adequate amount because there was no way I was stopping Niagara Falls there. No stinking way.

I managed to get enough of a "sample" (which is also a huge source of anxiety for I fill it to the top and look like an overachiever? Or fill it halfway? What if it's not enough?) and set the cup off to the side. I proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes drying myself off and sopping up the bathroom floor. After occupying the pee bathroom for at least 15 minute I finally got dressed in my pee-stained clothing (Thank GOD I had on black pants) and made my way back to the examination room.

You may think that is the end of my story. But, you would be sorely mistaken. After the nurse came in she instructed me to strip down and put on the required apron thing and blanket thing and all the parts that come with an exam. But the doctor clearly wasn't informed I was there for that. She walked in a did a quick bug-eyed look before she recovered. Coming in and seeing your patient quasi naked (but covered of course) on the table is probably a little jolt if you weren't prepared for it. Especially when you look like a mini Beluga whale in whiteness. Apparently ol' sister sledge from the front desk that called me the day before forgot to note in my file it was a gyno exam and not a sports-type physical.

So after reassuring the doctor that I wasn't a freak exhibitionist and that I did, indeed, schedule the appropriate appointment, everything else went along swimmingly...

...until they figured out I hadn't had a tetanus shot in about 15 years. So I walked out of the doctor's office that day a few test tubes of blood lighter, with a very sore TdaP shot arm and reeking of pee. It was a GREAT day. Happy Monday! Hope your day is better than this one. :)

*Not flooding but definitely spraying on the bathroom floor. I come from a family of over-exaggerators.


  1. Ohhhhhhhh dear.

    I LOL'd though. Life is definitely a series of unrelated comical events.

  2. I feel like this could've happened in a Friends episode. Or maybe to Penny of the Big Bang Theory. Have you thought about contacting writers of sitcom comedies to suggest some storylines?

  3. This could only happen to you! Bless your heart!❤ One tiny suggestion - call the morning supposedly to confirm and make sure they are expecting you for the correct appt. Love you!❤

    1. That's a good idea! I will definitely do that next time!


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