Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Being Honest and Not "Bloggy"
Today's post was almost a completely different one. You all almost got a "Fall's Top Trends" post because I figured it would be much easier to write. I could just put some photos up and a little blurb about the trends and call it a day. It's happy, it's positive and it's very "bloggy".
But it wouldn't be honest with how I'm feeling now or what I'm dealing with. I'm worn the heck out. I've been running ragged over the last couple of months dealing with some major family issues (illnesses, relationships, etc.) and major work issues (work politics/drama, project management issues, etc.). I've really been doing a lot of stuff for everyone else and not a lot for myself. I've had something to do nearly every night in the last few weeks and even though I did go to the beach recently it wasn't quite the relaxing trip I may have indicated in my post.
The way I deal with stress is quite simple...I don't. I just push through and get through life and not deal with it and eventually it all catches up. Last night it caught up. I had an anxiety attack after not having had one for nearly 11 years. Thankfully, I knew what it was this time so I was able to recognize it and not further freak myself out by thinking it was a heart attack. (which is what happened 11 years ago) Anxiety manifests itself physically with me in the form of major GI upset issues along with the usual crying, panicking, anger and sadness. Last night I actually started crying because I was upset I was having an anxiety attack. Like I was glad I'd been able to go for so long and was mad I wasn't getting better at dealing with stress.
So, unfortunately this post doesn't really have a nice bow-tied ending. I'm sitting at work and my stomach is burning and in knots (because again, that is how stress manifests itself) and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I literally hate that more than anything because emotionally unstable people annoy me...and I'm being one of them! Writing it out helps. Praying helps. Talking to people helps. Heck, even petting and playing with Hewitt helps. But I'm not sure what will actually work to deal with it. I realize I'm 31 years old and can't properly deal with my anxiety and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Or what to do.
Don't worry this isn't a cry for help! :) It just sucks to have to pretend to have it all together sometimes when I know I'm struggling inside. Okay, I'm wrapping up this rambling post. Check back later in the week for something a little lighter (hopefully).