Thursday, June 16, 2016

How To Be a Bridezilla

Well, y'all, it's wedding season. It's also Bridezilla season. As women prepare for their summer weddings it's important that they become Bridezillas in order to really make the entire experience memorable for everyone. Being a wedding singer, former bride and frequent wedding attendant, I thought I'd provide a few tips on the best way to be a Bridezilla.

one. Every should be your servant for the entire wedding week.
I'm talking waiting on you hand and foot. Do not lift a finger to do anything and make sure you treat those helping you out like they are your hired labor. Get angry when people don't drop their entire lives to run out and get you those nude pantyhose you need and berate them for getting you some from the drug store or Wal-Mart. Sit on a chair and govern those around you with an iron fist!

two. Be dramatic.
Hey, it's YOUR wedding! Be as overly dramatic as possible. Bridesmaid a few minutes late to your 4th bridal party brunch? Call and cuss her out on speakerphone in front of everyone else. Oh and make sure you move her to be the farthest away from you when they stand during the ceremony. And that groomsmen that won't shave his beard? Dramatically fling yourself on the floor and cry until someone does something about it. Make sure you stir the pot with your bridesmaids so they all hate each other come wedding time. Bonus points if you freak out because the roses are mother-of-pearl instead of candlelight ivory.

three. Insist on impossible things.
Insist that the impossible become possible for your wedding. Insist on a last-minute flower change or a song change. Insist that your bridesmaid dye her hair brown because her red hair clashes with your pale pink dresses. Insist that your bridesmaids all get their hair and makeup done and make them pay $375 for it. Insist relocating the ceremony inside 2 hours before the wedding because there is a cloud in the sky. Insist that people can just hold their urine and not need bathrooms. They can do the impossible for you because it's YOUR day.

four. Be emotionally unstable. 
Absolutely go from happy to crying in 3 seconds whenever possible. Move from anger to elation and from joy to sadness at the drop of a hat. Scream in frustration and then laugh maniacally for 5 minutes straight. Do NOT, and I repeat, NOT be calm, gracious, understanding, even-keeled and peaceful.

The only way to guarantee you'll be a great Bridezilla is to follow these steps. Just remember, it's all about you and no one, not even your groom. No one else matters and this is the biggest day of your life. The rest of your life is irrelevant and if everyone doesn't go off without a hitch you will shamed eternally and forever.


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