Monday, April 7, 2014

{Guest Post} Hewitt's Diary Entry #472

Okay, so this is a guest post that technically wasn't typed by Hewitt. (he has no thumbs...or fingers) But was dictated by him to my computer. So, here is a chapter from Hewitt's daytime diary.

6:13 am: I am awoken by the sound of my mother rousing herself from bed. I've been up grooming for hours, however, at the sound of her moving, I quickly curl back up into a ball facing away from her and pretend to snore. This is a daily occurence. My lifetime goal is to exert only the exact necessary amount of energy to do anything. And rising from my throne bed before it is necessary is a big no-no.

6:47 am: Mother enters my lair and makes some remark about how cute I am in a "little Hewie ball" in her baby voice. It's all I can do to swallow my own vomit in disgust...I continue "sleeping".

7:03 am: Mother (aka Mommy) leaves her bedroom area and departs for the downstairs. This is one of my only chances to get treats, so I stealthily follow her downstairs but stop at the landing. I remain on the landing and don't follow her all the way to the kitchen. I remain on the landing...glaring at her until she comes over and opens the blinds on the small window at the stair landing. This is my daytime portal to the outside world. It must be opened every morning.

7:05 am: I follow her into the kitchen and she lets me out to do "my business". I will refrain from commenting further on what occurs here because it is indeed, MY BUSINESS.

7:07 am: Upon re-entering the house, I make my way over to the pantry and glare again through my developing cataracts. Mommy calls me her little "blue-eyed buddy" because cataracts in dog's eyes can sometimes make them looks sort of cloudy and blue. I do not enjoy her making fun of my disability. She will pay for this one day. She opens the treat container and hands me one. I grab it in my mouth and swiftly make my way into the dining room to eat my delicious snack.

7:10 am: Mommy leaves. Now the fun begins.

7:15 am: I drink some water and sniff under the kitchen cabinets. There are sometimes morsels or crumbs here that the brooms don't catch. If I'm nervous or if it is stormy outside, I will often lick the carpet/baseboards. This is a nervous habit. I make my way over to my daytime portal and doze off.

10:38 am: The sound of the garbage truck in the neighborhood rouses me from my dreams. Those imbecilic jerks. Of course, I must voice my disdain by barking at them until they leave.

10:42 am: They must have received my message, because they leave and I return to my day nap.

12:09 pm: I wake up and realize that the sun is out! I quickly proceed back upstairs to where the sun shines through on the carpet and lay in the sun and doze back off.

1:41 pm: I wake up and move about 4 inches to remain in my patch of sunlight.

4:07 pm: I wake up and move about 6 inches to remain in my patch of sunlight.

5:22 pm: Mother arrives at home. Of course, I hear her car when she pulls in the driveway and I hurry to greet her at the door. If I put on my absolute best and cutest face, she will shower me with treats and not affection. I can only tolerate so much physical touch.

6:03 pm: My favorite part of the day - walkies! Once mom puts on my leash, we go out for a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood. Here I meet up with some of my dog friends and we sniff butts. Then, I'll check out the smells o' the day and maybe chase a small child on a bike...I might even bark at a squirrel if I'm feeling frisky. I attend to "my business" on walkies as well. Mother, like the simple-minded human she is, always takes plastic bags to pick up "my business". How smart are we dogs that we've trained our humans to pick up our business?! If I laughed, I would laugh at that.

6:39 pm: Dinner time! My tantalizing dinner of salmon and sweet potato dog food is made better with the addition of some water. Mommy puts my food in the microwave for a few seconds until I have a deliciously salmonized gravy. Mommy can't stand the smell but to me, it's perfect.

6:40 pm: My after-dinner grooming commences.

6:44 pm: My after-dinner grooming ends.

6:45 - 9:45 pm: This time consists mostly of napping, but the occasional game of one-sided fetch (because I never actually drop the mom must distract me with another one) or maybe me catching up on whatever tv shows the humans are watching.

9:46 pm: I prompty retire upstairs to my quarters for bed. Occasionally, I'll pretend to be asleep on the ottoman so Mommy has to carry me upstairs. (I'm never actually asleep. Just sleepy. And cute. Strike while the iron is hot, they say.)


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